The beds will have sheets when the laundry is done but I have to find a pillowcase and I think its in the boys closet or it might be the baby’s room? I also have to find the detergent. Just wait.
-Me on a Saturday night
By Monica Simpson
New Year’s resolutions spark hope, no matter how many times we fail, no matter how old we get. Hope for change, hope for renewal. St. Augustine writes, “Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are and Courage to see that they don’t remain as they are.” Our most frequently confessed sin can be the inspiration for resolution.
Frequent Confession is a blessing for keeping these ‘lesser sins’ at bay. The embarrassment of going back and confessing them over and over can sometimes provoke in us a desire for change. “Favorite” venial sins may not be the house fire of mortal sin but they are definitely spiritual clutter. Like house clutter, I can keep clearing the surfaces, cleaning and surviving, but I know it is the habit of clutter that keeps me from thriving in my relationship with God. We tend to pass habits onto those around us, including, or especially, if we have children. Also, clutter can quickly become a fire hazard. Venial sins --deemed not too bad --sneak up on us.
The book Making Space, Making Clutter by Tracy McCubbin discusses the psychology behind clutter. Part of the popular home organization movement, this book gives practical tips to fighting clutter for good by examining the seven emotional clutter blocks (such as thinking of stuff as our identity, fantasy "someday" lifestyles, extreme perfectionism, death of a loved one, etc.) While reading this I also picked up the Theology of Home series by Carrie Gress and Noelle Mering. It provides inspiration for beauty in the home mimicking the order and beauty of Heaven. Home is a sacred space. Somehow the ideas contained in both the McCubbin book and the TOH books clashed in my melancholic temperament and I came up with this: Heaven is order, hell is disorder, and clutter is venial sin.
One point in the secular book stood out for me: clutter starts three rooms back. Every thing in your home needs a “home” and clutter is the result of the wrong home or no home for various items. McCubbin gives an example of a single mom with teenage kids. The most cluttered space in the home is her dining room (ROOM 1). It is mostly piled with athletic equipment, water bottles and school gear. The mom has tried talking to the kids, yelling, organizing spaces on the table. When the consultant asks her where these things should go, the client immediately says the hall closet (ROOM 2). But in the hall closet they find boxes of boxes, boxes of tools, boxes from appliances, memory boxes, holiday decorations...All things that should go in the storage shelves in the garage (ROOM 3).
They go to the garage and find the shelves filled with children’s clothes. Her youngest is now 15 and her eldest is in college. Mom has been keeping the clothes for future grandchildren. With more discussion it comes out that she feels very badly that her marriage failed, that her kids don’t have a regular home. She yearns for grandchildren so she can help her kids do it right as parents. Clutter has paralleled a deep wound. In walking through this, she is able to heal a little and realize she is doing her best, her kids may or may not have families and that she only needs to keep a few special pieces as her children will likely want to buy their own, less-dated children's items should they have kids.
She donates the majority of items and suddenly the garage (ROOM 3) is clear for the entire closet (ROOM 2). The closet is the perfect space for the athletic stuff and the kids put the stuff there every time because it just makes sense. And the dining room table (ROOM 1) is finally clear! They automatically start eating dinner there instead of on the counters or in front of the TV, and the system sticks because she built a better foundation for order. She is creating new memories for a new family tradition and healing in the process.
This sounds so simple and beautiful. Theology of the Home books get you looking for inspiration in the everyday and this sparked it. Perhaps we can ask ourselves, what is the clutter in my faith life? What are my favorite sins I just can’t seem to quit?
I used McCubbin’s model to examine this. Sin starts three rooms back. What is my dining room table where the most junk piles up? What sin am I confessing the most? That is ROOM 1. Let's say that my most frequent confession is losing patience with my children. Why am I losing patience? Is my schedule too busy? Do they have poor manners, fight a lot? Leave their stuff lying around? I might realize the stuff left around on the floor is the culprit. Finding ROOM 2 is finding a reason or a solution. Maybe I haven’t provided spaces for their coats. Maybe I am constantly picking up for them so they are used to it. Tackling ROOM 2 will take work. It won’t reduce the sin of impatience with kids immediately, but it will help reduce it over time. Establishing new habits might involve reward systems, new standards, researching what works best. The work is on me, but there is a path if I can stay on it.
I consider ROOM 3 to be an examination of my motivation. What makes me give up on teaching them to put stuff back? Perhaps I lack confidence to set boundaries, maybe I haven’t healed from my childhood wrongs so I don’t want to ask things of my kids. When clutter piles up I feel slighted and I lose it. So ROOM 3 can be a phrase or wired-in thought that I bring to Jesus to heal this sin:
"I am worthy of a beautiful home.”
“I inspire my family to beautiful things.”
“It is not too late to show them the beauty of order.”
“Thank you for giving me the time to teach my children, Jesus.”
These statements rewire the deeply held belief that “this is a hot mess” or “there is no point” or “I am a failure.” The above sentences heal and inspire the order I wan, but I need to really believe them and unwire the damaging thoughts. That takes work. Work backwards to heal the thought, take concrete action and surrender the results to God. This approach is similar to Catholic coaching models. I’m a big fan of the Wholeness School but the model is used by most other Catholic psychologists and coaches. We are our thoughts. If we can just keep every thought captive to Christ (Corinthians 10:5) I am hoping that this leads to decluttering the sin “I always confess.” And I’ve dabbled in mortal sin enough to know that there was always a buildup to it, always an icky feeling behind it and for me, the thought “I am not good enough” was my third room back. Healing that thought, and shifting my identity to Christ as my strength, was a spiritual and practical game changer.
Clutter goes three rooms back and sin does too. If I want to thrive in my relationship with Jesus, my husband, my children, I need to fight the clutter in my heart.
Monica Simpson is a stay at home mom, recovering "messy child" and a former "hot mess." She and her husband raise seven children in central Wisconsin. She is now fascinated by finding the sacred in the ordinary, especially in marketing, business, psychology and home organization.